Blocks and Blues

11 Mar

You can see a punch coming from a long way off. You think you’re tough enough to take it. You brace yourself. It knocks you flat.

I knew my Dad was dying before he went into hospice care. I was fighting to get the family to stop torturing him with medical procedures and let him die with some dignity. A couple of weeks ago I got my wish and they stopped all support. Those last few days of him clinging to life were hell. I wanted his suffering over and now it is.

So now that he’s at peace, I should think I would have some peace. I don’t. I was not prepared for how hard this hit me. I’ve lost perspective. I’ve lost my words. I’m so blocked I can’t get through answering my email.

I’m trying to blog my way out of the blues today. Putting what has me blocked in words and images, getting this out of my head and onto a page might set me free to start moving forward again.

I miss my Dad. I’m really gonna miss his smile.


6 Responses to “Blocks and Blues”

  1. Kelly Jamieson March 11, 2009 at 5:37 pm #

    Hey Nara, don’t beat yourself up. If you need time to grieve, let yourself take it. It’s okay to miss him.

    • naramalone March 24, 2009 at 8:20 pm #

      Thanks for the advice, Kelly. I don’t know why I thought I could give myself a couple of weeks and then expect to snap right back to it. This reminds me of the time I broke my arm and thought I was going to run in a race a week later. I figured my legs still worked just fine so it shouldn’t be a problem. That didn’t work out like I planned either.

  2. Elle Amery March 11, 2009 at 9:48 pm #

    Nara – it takes time. It’s as simple as that. Grief takes time. Allow yourself that time to mourn, to lose your words, to grieve for your dad. The words will come back, the joy of sweet memories will float higher than the sorrow of missing him. It all takes time.

    • naramalone March 24, 2009 at 8:12 pm #

      Hi, Elle. You’re right of course. It’s not easy yet, but it’s not as bad as it was. Thanks for reminding me to focus on the sweet memories.

  3. David B March 12, 2009 at 7:53 am #

    I wish that there were some way to ease your grief, but all we can do is be there for you and offer our shoulder for you along with a hug. Losing a loved one has never been easy and it never will be.

    If the loss did not hit you so hard, it would mean that there wasn’t much love between you; the fact that you have been KOed only proves how strong your feelings for him were.

    Now you are left with the memories, the memories of the good times. Cherish those memories and honor your father by always remembering that wonderful smile. He was smiling because he was thinking of you.

    • naramalone March 24, 2009 at 8:09 pm #

      Thank you, David. Your words helped. Thank you for taking time to share them.

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